In Sickness and In Health

Over 25 years ago, my husband and I made vows before God, family, and friends to be devoted to each other "until death do us part." Another part of our vows included the words "in sickness and in health." We've each had our share of colds, flu, stomach bugs, etc. He's cared for me when I had my gall bladder out and after childbirth. In turn, I have cared for him after surgery and other illnesses.  Most of our "sicknesses" have been different and separate. Until now...

This past week my husband was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes. We knew it was a possibility. After all I have the diabetic cooties... Umm, just joking. Actually his father had Type 2 diabetes. Knowing the strong genetic factor for Type 2, we have prepared ourselves for this possibility.  We're not happy about the diagnosis, obviously, but we weren't blindsided either.

How are we dealing with diabetes as a couple? So far it isn't any different from when only one of us had diabetes. We've always been supportive and encouraging of each other. I don't know everything going on in his mind about this. My husband is a pretty quiet guy. You won't see him blogging or at advocacy conferences. If you do see him, you will see an intellectual man who is doing his best to take care of himself and his family.

As a person who has lived with diabetes for almost 10 years and is involved in education and advocacy, the hardest part so far is not telling my husband what to do. His diabetes is *his* diabetes. It's not mine. I'm his wife, his partner, his cheering section - I am not his physician, his dietician, his keeper. We learned about his diagnosis only a few days ago, so it will take us time to figure this out. I do know one thing for sure. We will figure it out together!

Grief, Illness, Denial, and Diabetes

The last few months has been a physical and emotional rollercoaster for me. With everything that's been going on, it's been hard to keep track of my diabetes. One way to help me get back on track with my diabetes management is to examine what's been going on with my life: grief, illness, denial, and diabetes.

At the end of September, we lost a great man in our family - my father-in-law. My husband and I started dating in high school, so this man had been part of my life for almost 30 years. He saw me grow from a 16 year old with a crush on his oldest son into the confident mother of five and educator that I am today. He wasn't a man of many words, but he had a way to let you know how he felt. I know he was proud of all of his children and grandchildren. He will be dearly missed. (My father-in-law did have Type 2 diabetes as well as several other medical conditions. The blue candle is for him.)

I've also been dealing with one cold virus after another since early November. I've had two rounds of antibiotics and three bottles of prescription cough syrup. This last round also included pain medicine for pulled muscles around my ribs due to coughing. At this point I only have a slight cough, minor case of the sniffles, and one area of pain remaining from the pulled muscle.

Denial? Yeah, that leads into the last word - diabetes. I've been so busy dealing with grief and illness that I haven't been paying attention to my diabetes. I've tested here and there. I've tried to eat right, but honestly comfort eating during the last three months has taken over my focus from diabetes management. I've overall neglected my diabetes, which honestly may have prolonged my recovery from the various little bugs going around.

So what do I do now?

Grief: I'm going to forever miss my father-in-law, but the pain won't sting as much as time goes on. Yes, every once in a while it hits and I find tears flowing without my consent. However my belief says that his is in heaven waiting for us. In the meantime, we have a purpose here on earth.

Illness: I'm trying to make sure to take care of myself. It's hard to get rest over the holidays, especially when entertaining. However I now have a few days to rest and relax before school starts again next week. There is grading and lesson planning to do, but I can do a little at a time this week. Tomorrow I'll be getting some dental work done, so I'll be relaxing in the afternoon.

Denial: I can't deny that I need to take care of myself while I take care of those around me.

Diabetes: Yup, that's still here even though I ignored it for the most part over the last three months. Comfort eating is understandable during times of illness and grief, however it needs to be controlled.

Why do I share this in such a public way? Because I know I'm not the only one dealing with these emotions. I know I'm not the only one. The DOC (diabetes online community) includes people with all types of diabetes as well as their loved ones. We are here to love and support each other. Yes, I need support, but I also hope that in some way my words will be an encouragement to others during their tough times. It's been a tough year (I also found out that my minivan needs some expensive repairs this week. Ugh!), but I have hope for the future.

I'm not going to pretend that everything is perfect because it's not. However I know with the support of others and my own personal beliefs, I can get through this. I'm going to be ok. So are you!

I did it! #gradschoolmama now #mastersmama

On May 15th, I received a Master of Science in Education with a major in Reading. This was after three years of hard work, lots of tears, and many sleepless nights. I can't even begin to tell you how proud I am of myself!

My family has been my biggest cheerleaders during this time. Their understanding, support, and encouragement kept me going when I wanted to give up. They told me that I was capable when I felt like I was going to fail. I honestly didn't know how I was going to make it through this last semester. With their love and gentle shoves to keep going, I not only graduated, but I did so with straight As! Yes, I earned every point of that 4.0 GPA!

The DOC (diabetes online community) has been a constant support during this time as well. I found out that the hashtag #youcandothis is not just relevant to diabetes management, but all parts of my life. When I felt discouraged, I knew that there were others facing obstacles, too. Many were far more challenging. If they could do it, so could I.

What's next? For starters, this summer will be dedicated to my family. I will not be taking classes or tutoring. We will be hanging out, gardening, reading, and just relaxing together. Of course I will be attending MasterLab in July, but they're understanding and supportive of my diabetes advocacy work. In August I will be setting up my classroom for the year, something I'm looking forward to doing (and some of my kids have asked to help).  I have decided that I will wait a year before even considering the idea of taking anymore graduate level classes. I'm not sure what I want to do next, but for now I'm going to enjoy where I am.

My blog has also been neglected, so I plan to start posting again on a more regular basis. Stay tuned!

Following a Dream

Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to be a teacher. When we'd play school, I was always the teacher. I played with the idea of being a lawyer. (Anyone remember The Paper Chase on Showtime? ) I even thought about being an author at one time. However, I kept coming back to becoming a teacher.

I did major in elementary education and graduated. Hubby and I got married before I had completed my student teaching, which I did shortly after we were married. Our oldest child was born two months later. That's when my career plans took a drastic change. I decided to be a stay-at-home mom.

Well, fast forward 17 years. Our fifth child started kindergarten and I started my time as a substitute teacher. Those years and motherhood helped to build up my confidence. I went from the student teacher who needed to work on classroom management to the substitute that was requested based on being "a strong sub." Last year I was hired as a program assistant (aka teacher's aide or paraprofessional) doing reading intervention and helping with sixth grade choir.

Recently, I interviewed for a second grade teacher position in a neighboring district. A job I wasn't sure about because of the half hour drive through the country. However, getting to know those on the interview committee got me excited about the prospect. I was offered the position which I started this week.

I am following my dream!

My parents sent me flowers and my brother sent me dry erase markers as well as self-inking teacher stamps. Their acts of support and encouragement meant more to me than I can describe here. 

The class is wonderful. A great group of students! The teacher I'm replacing is moving into another position within the school, so we were able to work together to gradually transition the class. The other teachers have been extremely friendly and helpful. The drive has been a great time for reflection and decompression. 

My children are excited for me and proud of their mother. Hubby is extremely supportive. I love my job! That is the dream!

Is It Worth It?

I have Type 2 diabetes. I am diet and exercise controlled.

Is it worth it?

This morning I went for a two mile walk.

Is it worth it?

Today, my family had breaded ravioli for lunch. I had a salad, a protein shake, and two raviolis without sauce.

Is it worth it?

While my family had burgers and fries, I had another salad with grilled chicken for dinner.

Is it worth it?

Although I've told my doctor that I have no problem with being on medication or even insulin if needed for my diabetes management, knowing that with healthy eating and exercise I can keep my glucose levels under control (for the most part) makes me happy. When the day comes where I wind up on medication and/or insulin that helps me manage my diabetes, I'll still be happy.

Is it worth it?

I have a husband and five children that depend on me.

Is it worth it?

Absolutely!

Budgeting Diabetes

I've been struggling lately with keeping my glucose numbers where I like them. I've said before that my goal is non-diabetic numbers. I want my fasting below 100 and two hours after meals under 120. It's hard to control the fasting value, but I can usually control my numbers during the day through diet and exercise.

Is this easy? NO WAY!

Think of a family on a tight budget saving up their cash for a family vacation. Their goal is to have a really nice cash only vacation without the use a credit cards. They know how much they need to save and initiate their plan with perfect timing for their trip. This plan involves the family forgoing fast food and convenient foods which are often felt needed for their busy family. Although they know they can do it, this savings plan does become somewhat stressful. They enjoy going out for burgers and fries now and then. (I guess I shouldn't have started writing this right before dinner. Now I'm hungry!) However they know that to have the money they want for their trip, they need to drive past that drive-thru and make dinner at home.

Ok, this may sound like a lame comparison to many, but for me this hit home. I do like fast food. However to keep my glucose "budget" in line, I need to keep driving. But wait. I have five children who need carbs, so there are lots of carbs waiting for me at home, too. Bread, fruit, chips, juice, french fries, granola bars, tater tots...

However, like the family saving for vacation, priorities need to be re-examined now and then. They may want to go see a movie as a family. Depending on the size of the family, this could be an expensive outing. Do they stick to the budget and forgo this family time or do they lessen their vacation plan expectations in order to allow themselves these things they enjoy? Maybe instead of a trip to Disney World find a less expensive trip in their own state. Although it's not ideal, the time spent together as a family on a regular basis is more important than saving up for that one dream vacation.

Sometimes we need to budget our diabetes. Yes, I can obtain tight control during the day by watching my carb intake and exercising. However there are times I want a burger (with the bun) and fries as a local fast food place. Maybe I want to eat a candy bar (Snickers anyone?). Yes, my ideal is to continue to manage my diabetes with diet and exercise alone. But what if the only way to avoid medication is to avoid those food treats I enjoy or to have a lazy day here and there without exercise? Am I willing to change my "dream vacation" management and consider medication if needed to allow myself to have those "quality time" treats?

Definitely!

I don't know when/if I'll wind up on medication. My ideal is to continue to maintain with diet and exercise. I've come to the determination that if I need medication, whether oral or injectable, in order to live the lifestyle that makes me happy, then I'll do what I need to stay healthy.

Each family's financial budget in personal and unique. In the same way, we all need to decide what our diabetes budget will be.

#DBlogWeek - Break In the Action

Since my second child will be graduating from high school tomorrow, I'm going to pause my participation in D-Blog Week and set my focus on my child, family, and our guests. I hope to resume either Sunday night or Monday.

Thank you for your understanding!

To those who are graduating, whether from high school, college, trade school, or the military, my thoughts and prayers go with you as you transition to the next phase of your life. God bless!

What Brings Me Down - #DBlogWeek

Diabetes stinks. Ok, it sucks. All too often we ignore the emotional side of chronic illnesses. If I had the flu, I would deal with the symptoms knowing that the condition was only temporary. However, by definition a chronic illness will not go way. It's here for good.

When I was diagnosed, there was a small time where diabetes was a novelty. I like gadgets, so picking out a glucose meter was almost fun. Testing was fun at first. Counting carbs was fun at the beginning. The novelty quickly wore off.

The permanence of a chronic disease started to sink in. I realized that this wouldn't go away. Diabetes would be with me for the rest of my life whether I liked it or not.

Most days I can deal with diabetes. However there a too many days where I'm in denial. Those days are often followed by days where I get down about having diabetes. Thankfully when I'm having a rough time, I know I can call upon my family and the DOC (diabetes online community). 

One step at a time...

Poetry - #DBlogWeek

I've written poetry before. As a teen, I wrote it on a regular basis as a way to express myself. Unfortunately I have not kept up with my poetry writing. Luckily no one will care how "good" of a poem I write. It's the attempt that matters, right?

Well, here it goes....

My Diabetes Journey

Spring day
Phone rings
Get the news
Diabetes
Type 2
No surprise

   Take it on
   Head first
   Counting carbs
   Exercise
   Finger pokes

      Newness wears off
      What carbs
      Too tired to walk
      Absent meter

   On again
   Off again
   Sometimes counting
   Sometimes checking
   Sometimes walking

Wanting to be good
Example for my kids
Live a long life
A healthy life
Count those carbs
Find the meter
Get out of the chair

Spring Has Sprung

This weekend was amazing. Temperatures got to the upper 70s, maybe even low 80s. Of course now, Monday morning, it's in the 4os and raining. I was so thankful for the time outside, even though it cut into my homework time. Sometimes we need to put aside things we planned to do and focus on what's important.

My children are what I needed to focus on this weekend. Playing in the yard. Working in the garden. Watching the youngest do tricks on the swing set. Homework can wait. I can do that after they go to bed. These precious moments can't wait. In a blink of the eye, my children will be grown and move on.

Find what is really important. What is precious. Make sure that you focus on that before it's gone.

Homework Saturday

Yes, this is me today.

This week, I've been dealing with other schoolwork, my daytime job, 

tutoring, my own children, housework...

So today I have a research paper, quiz, and a report on group work participation.

I'm also dealing with an ear ache.

I also have a large family who enjoy doing things on Saturdays.

Like listening to Christmas music while baking cookies.

Like watching Star Wars DVDs.

Guess grad school mama will be heading to the library to at least get my quiz done.

The paper may take me to another quiet location after dinner.

Taking it one step at a time.

(I'm kind of liking this format for today's blog.)

Edited to add: And sometimes illness causes you not to get done what you intended to do.

And you deal with what comes and move on.

Depression and Diabetes

It is said that people with diabetes (PWD) run a high risk of depression.  Even with good control, diabetes is a tough thing to deal with on a daily basis.  Let's be blunt here: Diabetes sucks!  Really, it does.  Even with a great medical team, awesome friends, and an amazing family for support, it's understandable why many PWD deal with depression on some level.  Would I consider myself clinically depressed?  No.  Do I have some days that are harder to deal with than others?  You betcha!  No one would know it though.  I'm overall an upbeat person.  However there are days that are harder than others.  I get angry.  There are times I may overdo the carb control and exercise and other days where I just want to eat a whole package of chocolate chip cookies.

Mental illness and depression are looked at negatively in our society.  Almost as if it's the person's fault.  It is no one's fault!  Below are two videos.  The first one I was introduced to today.  It's a speech given by a 19 yr old young man, wise beyond his years.  The second video is a a song that means a lot to me.  It gives me hope.  It gives me something to hold on to.  Even if you're not a believer, everyone needs something that gives them hope.  My faith in God and belief in the Savior give me that hope.  Enjoy!

Here We Go Again

Next week is full of transitions.  It's the last week of school for my younger four.  Also the last days of substitute teaching for the school year.  Monday starts the summer session at the university.  I'll be taking seven hours - two classes.  One classes is research methods.  Three semester hours in four weeks!  The other class is on middle school education.  The last class I need for my middle school endorsement.  Four semester hours in eight weeks.

Add in my work schedule at the Y plus tutoring and spending time with my five kids and husband.  There you have a busy summer schedule!  I'm a little nervous but also very excited!

My hope is also to get into an exercise routine.  My goal is to get my next A1c below 6%.  Going to the Y or just for walks around the neighborhood needs to be part of my daily routine.  We have a dog who needs to lose some weight, so I think she'll be joining me on some of those walks (she's a little wider than this picture).  She had a herniated disc in Spring 2012, so it's important that she keep her weight down.

I often feel like I've failed, but I try to recommit to my goals (like exercise, watching my carbs, blogging, etc.) even if it feels like the 100th time.  I refuse to give up! What are some goals that you have?  Do you also sometimes feel you're needing to recommit to the same goals over and over?

Worldless(?) Wednesday (#HAWMC)

I still need more guesses for my Misinformation post. Click here to read it and guess!

Today's WEGO prompt: Go to www.wordle.net to create a word cloud or tree from a list of words associated with your condition, blog, or interests. Post it!

Diabetes may be part of my life, but it's not my whole life!

Diabetes and Technology (#HAWMC)

Today's WEGO prompt: Write about your favorite health iPhone app. OR Write about your favorite social network. Do you love Twitter? Facebook? Pinterest? Why?

This was a hard one for me.  First of all, I'm an Android gal.  So I could write about my favorite Android app..  I also enjoy social networking.  I'm on Facebook every day, Twitter about ever other day, and Pinterest at least once per week.  Should I approach this from the Sue the diabetic side?  Sue the mom of five side?  Sue the grad student side? Or Sue trying to escape for a little while side?

I think I'll touch both questions, touching briefly on any side that applies.

My most used app would definitely be Facebook.  I check it first thing in the morning, just like someone might check their daily paper.  Of course that would also filter over to my favorite social network.  Next in the realm of Android apps, not including email programs and texting, I would probably have to say my favorite health-related app is SparkPeople.  I have it on my Kindle Fire, but not on my phone right now.  I've been a member of that site for several years and really like it.  The app lets me enter in my food and exercise while on the go.  I don't have to try to remember everything until I get home.

Probably the one thing that helps me keep organized is my Google calendar.  I love that I can sync it with my husband's calendar and he can sync mine on his calendar.  This is a godsend for a family with five kids!

Well I guess I'm going to stop writing here.  Today is my birthday.  Although I would like to make it a totally lazy day, I do have two short papers to write.  A friend of mine sent me to following picture of a cake on Facebook.  Oh how I wish it were mine!

You all already know what I'll wish for tonight when I blow out my candles.

A cure!

Caregivers (#HAWMC)

Today's WEGO prompt: Patients, what advice or tips do you have for caregivers out there – professional or otherwise!

My "caregivers" would include my Type Awesomes and my primary care physician (PCP).  The main piece of advice I have is: LISTEN!

Don't try to fix me, don't tell me what I'm doing wrong, and, most of all, don't blame me.  Just be there for me.  I can't be fixed.

I know what I'm doing wrong.  Most of all, I don't need to be blamed.

Listen to me.  Let me rant.  Tell me that it's ok to be mad/sad/angry/frustrated.  Give me a hug.  Wipe my tears.  Give me a back rub.  Give me chocolate!

Tell me that you're there for me... NO MATTER WHAT!

What About Me?

Sometimes I feel that everything I do it for others.  I feel like I'm working for my family.  I clean the house for my family.  I make dinner for my family.  I drive them around.  I take them to the store. Even though I love what I'm called to do, there are times when I want to shout, "What about me?"

Something I learned a few years ago was to find something that I enjoy.  Something for me!  My kids are part of the youth bell choirs at our church.  Yes, we're lucky to have two handbell choirs for children - one for grades 3-6, the other for jr/sr high.  I loved watching them play (still do!).  I was missing my time singing in the vocal choir, but that wasn't practical for a mom of five who needed to be in the pew with her children.

Playing in the adult handbell choir was something that I could do.  It allowed me to participate in something musical, have some time with other adults, and allowed me to be in the pew with my children during most of the service.  They're now old enough where I don't need to put anyone in the nursery while I play.

I know that my time at bell choir (and any other "me" activity) isn't because I'm selfish.  Actually quite the opposite.  Just like going to the dentist, which isn't as much fun, I know that to be a good wife and mother I need to be good to myself first.  What better way than making a joyful noise!

How I Feel Sometimes...

As a mom of five, wife to a wonderful man, substitute teacher (basically a full-time job), part-time YMCA worker, home-based craft business owner, and graduate student, this is how I feel sometimes.

Picture source: Facebook

Video Friday

As the mother of five, I can relate (though my "drink" would be a Diet Coke).  My husband actually got me Martina McBride's CD "Eleven" that has this song "Teenage Daughters".  Enjoy!

Home Sweet Home

For the next five days, I have no other obligations but my family.  (Oh and that paper I need to work on for my graduate class, but I plan to have that done tomorrow.)  I am looking forward to focusing on the six people that mean the most in my life.  The people that bring me joy, even when I'm a little frustrated with them.  Like any wife and mother would admit if being truthful, they drive me up the wall at times, but I love them with all my heart.

Among my many blessings, I am grateful to have been blessed with a husband who is a wonderful cook.  I am looking forward to the amazing meals that he will prepare during out break.  I am looking forward to the help I will receive (and have already received) from the children as we catch up on housework.  I am also looking forward to decorating the house on Friday for my favorite holiday - Christmas!

For now, I want to enjoy the here and now - not rush into what tomorrow brings.  Right now I am enjoying a cup of tea from my Keurig.  Great for my cold and sore throat!  Hoping a few cups of tea before bed will help me feel better in the morning so I can knock out that paper I have to write!

It's really hard to keep in this moment.  As you see, I already started talking about tomorrow and my paper.  My kids are growing up way too fast.  I used to wish away the days, looking forward to their futures.  Now I know that those futures come quickly.  Over the next five days I am going to work on enjoying the moment while working on letting tomorrow worry about itself. (See Matthew 6:34)